ok. so. some of you may have noticed that my posts just haven’t been as chock full of annoying stories and random fact, quite short, and simply not exemplary of my usual post style. many of you– probably not. Well, here goes.

So, this past Sunday I was enjoying a lovely show at Boscobell– the Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival— and the show was, “Much ado about nothing”, to be exact. Jordan and I rolled in just as the performance commenced and I leaned forward to take a peak down the isle and wave hello to my parents, who we were meeting at the festival. My mom waved back, excitedly, and passed down the remnants of some macadamia nut cookie as well as a chocolate chocolate chip cookie. “YUM”. I glutonoussly whispered to myself. I looove me some cookies!

I opened my mouth to take a huge bite of the choco choco chip cookie, and as I opened wide I noticed a weird feeling in my (what I considered to be) jaw bone. “OUCH” I said inside my head. wtf was that? It didn’t feel so good. Watevs. It was probably just a lil’ nothing at all.

As the play progressed I tried again and again to enjoy these cookie fragments sans jaw pain, but it just wasn’t happening. I was pissed and concerned. More pissed. I wanted cookies.

So. My dad is a dentist. At intermission I was all like, “Dad… I have this weird pain in my jaw- it hurts when I open my mouth fully. what’s up with that?”… “wait it out, relax it’s probably nothing”, said pragmatic dentist Dad.

The night continued, and weirdness in the jaw continued as well. I was totally preoccupied. I tend to obsess. I can’t help it.

ok. so days pass. pain worsens. I am convinced I have a tumor-cyst-growth-unborn twin residing somewhere in my jaw bone. I call my dad’s office and set an appointment for a full series of x-rays. I was determined to discover the grave condition I was in. I called my friends to let them know what was going on, and prepared for lengthy surgery. I felt bad for my dad who was going to have to go in there and remove whatever it was that was inhibiting my bite and jaw comfort. I imagined him requesting “15 blade. suction. OH MY LORD. what is that?”…

finally- the day came. It was time for me to get x-rays and a dental inspection. I walked into my dad’s office like a soldier. I was brave, but scared shitless. I sat in the chair and waited for the torturous, gag-worthy x-ray session. One by one, x-rays were taken as I came close to puking my brains out (don’t roll your eyes I bet you’re dramatic at the dental office, too. right?). Each image popped up on the screen and I blurted out the question I didn’t want to ask…”what is it, dad? do I need surgery? Am I going to live?!” My dad, as normal, made a sarcastic comment that basically reminded me how ridiculous I was being. He ignored me, the annoying patient, and continued his job. X-ray after X-ray I demanded to know the verdict.

“Yup. Just as I thought”, my dad mumbled… as he thumbed through his reference book. “WHAT?!… what is it? How long do I have?” I urged. “You have a blah blah blah of the muscle blah blah. Madds, you basically have a knot in your facial muscle.”… “Um. what?– I don’t need a root canal, or surgery- or like… dentures?!”

So. Yeah. This whole week I was so concerned that I needed major dental work, or like, jaw surgery or, like.. I don’t know- I was scurred people! It turns out I have knot in my mouth cheek muscle. A knot. in. my jaw mouth muscle thingy. what? who gets that and why. Apparently I’ve been stressed and or have a tendency to grind (not as in the dance technique popular circa 1997) my teeth and clench in my sleep. Now, I want to be like one of those women in the commercials that moans about how I’m worried about money, and my job blah blah… but I’m so not. I’m fine- I’m happy and I’m loving life! I honestly have nothing to be stressed about.

So. How are we going to fix this problem? A night guard. Maddie– say hello to lisping evenings. no more romance and no more dosing off to sleep with a precious little look on your face. Falling asleep will now include a night guard. How attractive.

I had the impressions taken for the lovely night guard. (Almost puked as the algenate oozed out of the back of the impression tray down my throat). My night guard won’t be ready for a few weeks, as it has to be sent out to the lab. Until then what is a girl with muscular cheek jaw right side of the face pain to do?

Well, with having time before I should be so lucky as to have my night guard, I decided to take this situation by the horns and try out some ways to calm my facial muscles. First stop was my microwavable neck pillow. Usually used to relieve the muscles in the neck, I popped this sucker in the microwave and applied it to my right side (face). Nothing happened. Disappointed, I decided I needed to buy tiger balm or Bengay. yeah. How sad is that. I went to Walgreens and hurried down the isles until I found this cute little jar of Tiger Balm. As soon as I got in the car I applied it to my skin, where I was having the pain. I waited, imagining some magical thing that was about to happen. Other than tingles and burning eyes, nothing happened and I was extremely disappointed. “Crap.” I thought. I am going to be screwed. This hurts. I can’t open my mouth all the way, and I can’t bite down without discomfort.

(if you are still reading at this point there is seriously something wrong with you.)

So, my dear readers… My frustration with speaking due to this muscle spasm knot, has translated (I suppose) to my willingness to type out long, tedious posts such as this one. I am still not back to normal, but I figured I owed you an explanation and a story that might make you laugh at how stupid I am going to look…. and sound… in my new night guard. For now, my dear readers, I will eat in pain (did I mention it hurts to bite down… not to say that it’s stopping me)…But still, feel bad for me.

Yours Truly