Ok so when you hear a night at the museum you’re like oh whatever.. but guys.. I literally slept at the Museum of Natural History this past Friday.

It went a little somethin’ like this. and you really have to read this to the end. you’ll see…

About a month ago I got a text from my aunt asking whether I would chaperon my little cousins on their Night at the Museum trip, as their mom (my aunt) was going to be going on a ski trip with some friends. How could I say no to my little babies?! I couldn’t. The idea of sleeping at the museum was something I just couldn’t wrap my head around… sleep? at the museum?! I was so eager to see how this would pan out…

Monday before the trip came around and my little cousin called me to read the itinerary. IMAX, bring a flashlight to search for fossils, butterfly house, live animal exhibit. Excited. I couldn’t wait. Friday rolls around and I have my bag packed. Didn’t have a sleeping bag so I actually brought a snuggie. I know. My pillowcase was a sky scene with oreos flying around, and so I figured that would help me fit in somewhat.

Off to the city we were. We arrived and we got the best room, which was under the giant whale (ps there were about 500 girls sleeping over on this particular night). Hundreds of cots covered the entire floor leaving isles for us to walk through here and there.

We all ran to unpack our things and claim our cots before activities started… My plan at staking an end cot was suddenly butchered as soon as my little girl pleaded me to sleep in between her and all of her friends. I have had these weird allergies and tried to explain that I have a snoring tendency, but they wouldn’t take no for an answer. As they spread out their darling pink sleeping bags, covered with camo, doggies, and other cutesty designs, I laid out my awkwardly shaped, brown snuggy that Jordan got for Christmas in a grab bag, and plopped down my Oreo pillow. I found myself trying to be cool. Um have you ever tried to have a slumber party with a bunch of 9 year olds? It’s worse than trying to sit at the cool table in high school.

They all put their cute little stuffed animals on their pillows explaining their names and screaming, “OMG YES! I remember her from your sleepover!”.. and I sat their like an awkward big kid fumbling through my things, mainly anti-lice spray, trying to discretely douse mine and my little girl’s areas. I am very particular about my space and so when 6 little girls started rolling around on my cot and my pillow I had to take a moment and a few deep breathes. I looked over, longingly, at the moms who had their cots situated ideally. Every other cot was empty, allowing them room for comfort. Evenly spaced apart, all along an end row, buckwheat pillows and little stylish down throws. Slipper socks, and Longchamp weekend backs at the foot of their tidy little beds with mommy necessities and hidden hairspray. I wanted to be them.

All of the girls were squealing and squirming around and I tried to fit in by asking them questions about the trip. Let me just say this. Do not talk to 9 year olds as though they are 9. They so don’t think it’s cool.

When it was time to head out for activities I lurked back for a mo and heavily doused the entire area with my anti lice preparation. (distilled water and tea trea oil)

We went from butterfly house, to fossils, to to live animal exhibit, to IMAX and then it was almost time for lights out and we all settled in, washed up and slowly got to our cots. I was so pumped. Lying on my back, looking up at the faux changing sky and the bottom of this ginormous whale was so unreal. I would never, ever do this ever again. I will never sleep in the museum under a whale on a cot. I was so excited.

side note:
When I was little I got homesick ALL THE TIME. everywhere I went, even my best friend’s house, which was literally 100 ft. from my house. My mom and Dad would have to come and pick me up. One time I slept… or tried to sleep at my Gymnastics for a sleepover party. My mom was like.. “Madds. are you sure?” “Yes”. I was sure that this was it. This was the night that I would go from homesick baby to young woman. well, we tumbled and flipped and sang, and snacked and as soon as the lights went out this huge pit grew in my stomach. It got bigger and bigger until I got the awful and familiar feeling of homesickness. I had to go home or I was going to die. seriously. I would lie there and cry for a few minutes worried that I would never get in touch with my parents (this was before cell phones), and then I would create a master plan, which I now realize was embarrassingly obvious. I would ask to go to the bathroom and an instructor would come with me. I would pretend to vomit making all sorts of sounds, but of course nothing would go in the toilet except a little bit of spit that I would spit in. They would be like… “Maddie… what are you doing?” and I would be like, “Oh my. I am so, so sick. I just vomited. I’ve gotta call my mom and dad so they can get me”. My mom or Dad would answer the phone and just say, “Hiiii Madds… we’re on our way”. As soon as I heard those words I could breathe again. I would tip toe back into the gymnasium and gather my things as my friends slept peacefully. Fail.

So. I’m not going to lie. there was a tiny sliver of me that was like, OMG what if I can’t sleep at the museum and everyone else is sleeping and I get homesick?! So I loaded my iphone with some really awesome meditation tapes that would lure me to sleep.

So here I was. at the museum. Feeling awesome! Darkness, with these amazing simulated skies above, huge room, peaceful, awesome day, listening to my affirmations and meditations. I peacefully drifted off to sleep as my meditation told me to imagine a safe place with people I love and ….sleep. deep, deep sleep.

A bit later I suddenly woke to burning feet. I kicked my socks off and hung my feet out of my snuggie. I had this weird feeling in my stomach and wondered what was going on. I kind of felt like I had just eaten a huge meal. I felt like.. sick? Something was totally not right. I sat up and looked around. Not a peep. Security guards sat upright in every corner and the faux sky still rotated via the faux wind, and my stomach started doing some rotations itself.

Now, friends. My cot was directly under the whale’s tail. I looked up and around for the bathroom, which was located in front of the whale’s head. very long distance. I stood up to go to the bathroom, maybe I had too much water …. and suddenly something told me to RUN LOLA RUN. I started out with a brisk walk, which turned into a slow jog, which evolved into a sprint. I was jumping over cots and maneuvering between duffel bags and something was about to happen. Feeling as though I was about to projectile vomit across fields of peacefully sleeping girl scouts, I kicked it into the highest gear.

I charged into the bathroom like a mad woman and started hurling my brains out. I have never been sick like this. As soon as I paused for .2 seconds I saw little feet in the stall next to me run out. I couldn’t break long enough to take a breath and suddenly it started up again. I almost want to share all of the details with you so you can all understand how strange and awful this experience was, but a) I’m getting nauseous talking about it right now and b) you might actually throw up on your screen if I share the rest. Like I said, I have never been sick like this in my life.

45 minutes later and after what felt like severe heat stroke and total dehydration I stumbled out of the bathroom. I can’t even imagine what I looked like. My hair was lioness, I was dripping with sweat, my shirt was on backwards for some reason, and I wasn’t wearing socks or shoes. I stumbled around looking for a security guard because I was totally convinced that I needed to be hospitalized and given an IV to replenish my liquids.

I didn’t have my phone, which didn’t even get service down here, and I thought I was going to drop to the ground. I spotted someone who looked awake and she shot out of her cot. She happened to be the director of the entire program, who stays awake for things like this. She swooped my off my feet, immediately called Jordan to pick me up, as I ran back into the bathroom, and guided me to ginger ale and seltzer. She saved my life. The story wouldn’t be complete without you hearing the message she left him.

Listen To The VoiceMail

I sipped on ginger ale and waited for Jordan to come save me, as this lovely woman kept me comfortable and entertained with conversation.

So there. That is my story. And at about 5:30 am, my night in shining armor arrived at the American Museum of Natural History and took my sick ass home.

The End.